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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25051456">Hitchhiker's Guide to Heleus</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/emier/pseuds/emier'>emier</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Mass Effect: Andromeda</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>But whatever, Comedy, Crack, Douglas Adams, and is kinda stupid, this was just for fun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 10:54:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,378</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25051456</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/emier/pseuds/emier</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Did I just do a slight rewrite of a scene from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams to include characters from Mass Effect Andromeda?</p>
<p>Yes. I did.</p>
<p>Do I regret it?</p>
<p>No.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Hitchhiker's Guide to Heleus</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Seriously, this is just a crack fic.</p>
<p>I'm taking a minor break from No Limits to do some one-shots, and in thinking of plot ideas my brain said "Hitchhiker's Guide to Heleus" and that was that.</p>
<p>If you've read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, this will seem EXTREMELY familiar, because I kept a lot of the dialogue, and some of the descriptions, and definitely a lot of the plot and structure. So, like...if you're expecting something else, sorry.</p>
<p>I just thought this would be funny.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Heleus </span>
  <em>
    <span>has a few things to say on the subject of towels.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold landscapes of Voeld; you can lie on it on the brilliantly yellow beaches of Kadara, inhaling the heady vapors from the sulfur springs; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Eos; use it to create shade on the always sunny Elaaden; wet it for use in hand-to-hand combat; wrap it around your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Kett Fiend of the Archon (a mind-boggling stupid animal, it assumes that if you can’t see it, it can’t see you--daft as a brush, but very very ravenous); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>More importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For some reason, if a strag (strag: non hitchhiker) discovers that a hitchhiker has her towel with her, he will automatically assume that she is also in possession of a toothbrush, washcloth, soap, tin of biscuits, flask, compass, map, ball of string, gnat spray, omnitool, wet-weather gear, space suit etc., etc. Furthermore, the strag will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or a dozen other items that the hitchhiker might accidentally have ‘lost.’ What the strag will think is that any woman who can hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through and still know where her towel is, is clearly a woman to be reckoned with.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Hence a phrase that has passed into hitchhiking slang, as in</span>
  </em>
  <span> “Hey, you sass that hoopy, Sara Ryder? There’s a frood who really knows where her towel is.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>(Sass: know, be aware of, meet, have sex with; hoopy: really together guy; frood: really amazingly together guy.)</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re crazy, Peebee,” Sara said, waving her arms about, “Meridian is a myth, a fairy story, it’s what parents tell their kids about at night if they want them to grow up to be astronomers, it’s…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And that’s what we are currently in orbit about,” insisted Peebee.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Look, I can’t help what you may personally be in orbit around,” said Sara, “but this ship…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Computer!” shouted Peebee.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh no…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi there! This is SAM, your very own artificial intelligence, and I’m feeling just great, guys, and I know I’m just going to get a bundle of kicks out of any program you care to run through me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Liam shot a confused glance at Jaal, who motioned him into the room.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Computer,” said Peebee, “tell us what our present trajectory is.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A real pleasure, feller,” SAM said cheerily; “we are currently in orbit at an altitude of three hundred miles around the legendary planet of Meridian.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Proving nothing,” said Sara. “I wouldn’t trust that computer to speak my weight.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can do that for you, sure,” delighted the computer. “I can even work out your personality problems to ten decimal places if it will help.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Jaal interrupted.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Peebee,” he said, “any minute now we will be swinging round to the daylight side of this planet,” adding, “whatever it turns out to be.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, what do you mean by that? The planet’s where I predicted it would be, isn’t it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, I know there’s a planet there. I’m not arguing with anyone, it’s just that I wouldn’t know Meridian from any other lump of cold rock. Dawn’s coming up if you want it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, okay,” muttered Peebee, “let’s at least give our eyes a good time. Computer!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi there! What can I…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just shut up and give us a view of the planet again.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A dark, nondescript ball appeared on the view screen. The small group watched for a moment, Peebee fidgeting with excitement. All this Meridian stuff didn’t mean much to Liam, who hadn’t paid a lot of attention to Peebee’s ramblings. He sidled up to Jaal, hoping he’d have some insight.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I only know what Peebee’s told me,” he whispered. “Apparently Meridian is some kind of legend from way back which no one seriously believes in.” Liam eyed the screens, feeling like he hadn’t been awake long enough for this. He needed something. But what?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is there any tea on this spaceship?” he asked. Jaal pointed to a small screen on the wall, with an opening underneath. Ignoring the sunrise and the planet, and Peebee and Sara, Liam tried to make the machine give him tea.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, even supposing it is…” Sara started, sounding less sure of herself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It is,” said Peebee.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Which it isn’t,” continued Sara. “What do you want with it anyway? There’s nothing there.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not on the surface,” said Peebee.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“All right, just supposing there’s something, I take it you’re not here for the sheer industrial archeology of it all. I mean, I guess you could be, but… Peebee, what are you after?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well,” said Peebee airily, “it’s partly the curiosity, partly a sense of adventure, but mostly I think it’s the fame and the money…” Sara gave her a hard look. She suspected that Peebee hadn’t the faintest idea why she was there at all.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know, I don’t like the look of that planet at all,” said Jaal, shivering.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah, take no notice,” said Peebee; “with half the terraforming data of Heleus stored on it somewhere it can afford to look frumpy.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think it’s just a dead planet,” said Sara.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The suspense is killing me,” said Liam, rolling his eyes. He finally got the machine working, and it spat out a liquid that was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea. It was surprisingly invigorating, and feeling more awake, he watched the viewscreen and the large grey blob continuing to spin under them. It suddenly occurred to him to ask a question that had been bothering him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is it safe?” he said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Meridian’s been dead for over six hundred years,” said Peebee; “of course it’s safe. Even the ghosts will have settled down and raised families by now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At which point a strange and inexplicable sound echoed suddenly through the bridge. It was a bell, robotic and harsh. What followed was a voice that was equally robotic and harsh. The voice said, </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Greetings to you…”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Someone from the dead planet was talking to them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Computer!” shouted Peebee.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hi there!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What the photon is it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, just some six-hundred-year-old recording that’s being broadcast at us.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A what? A recording?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shush!” said Sara. “It’s carrying on.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The voice was monotone, professional, and clear, but was underscored with quite unmistakable menace. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“This is a recorded announcement,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>it said,</span>
  <em>
    <span> “as I’m afraid we’re all out at the moment. The research council of Meridian thanks you for your esteemed visit…”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>(“A voice from ancient Meridian!” shouted Peebee. “Okay, okay,” said Sara.)</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“...but regrets,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> continued the voice, </span>
  <em>
    <span>“that the entire planet is temporarily closed for business. Thank you. If you would care to leave your name and the address of a planet where you can be contacted, kindly speak when you hear the tone.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A short buzz followed, then silence.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They want to get rid of us,” said Jaal, nervously. “What do we do?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s just a recording,” said Peebee. “We keep going. Got that, computer?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I got it,” said the computer and gave the Tempest an extra kick of speed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They waited.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After a moment or so the bell was back, and then the voice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“We would like to assure you that as soon as our business is resumed announcements will be made in all fashionable magazines and radio broadcasts, when our clients will once again be able to select from all that’s best in contemporary living.”</span>
  </em>
  <span> The menace in the voice took on a sharper edge. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Meanwhile, we thank our clients for their kind interest and would ask them to leave. Now.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Liam looked around at everyone, who were quiet with anxiety.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I suppose we’d better be going then, hadn’t we?” he suggested.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shhh!” said Peebee. “There’s absolutely nothing to be worried about.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Then why’s everyone so tense?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They’re just interested!” shouted Peebee. “Computer, start descent into the atmosphere and prepare for landing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Now the bell was quite abrupt, and the voice clinical.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“It is most gratifying,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> it said, </span>
  <em>
    <span>“that your enthusiasm for our planet continues unabated, and so we would like to assure you that the guided missiles currently converging with your ship are part of a special service we extend to all of our most enthusiastic clients, and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a courtesy detail. We look forward to your custom in future lives...Thank you.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The voice snapped off.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh,” said Jaal.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Er…” said Liam.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well?” said Sara.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Look,” said Peebee, “will you get it into your heads? That’s just a recorded message. It’s millions of years old. It doesn’t apply to us, get it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What,” said Jaal quietly, “about the missiles?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Missiles? Don’t make me laugh.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sara poked Peebee, pointing at the view screen. The computer had projected an image from the rear cameras. Two small points were rising up from the planet toward the ship. The magnification adjusted and two massively real rockets became visible shooting through the sky.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think they’re going to have a very good try at applying to use,” said Sara.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Peebee stared at them in astonishment.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, this is terrific!” she said. “Someone down there is trying to kill us!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Terrific,” said Liam.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But don’t you see what this means?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes. We’re going to die.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, but apart from that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Apart</span>
  </em>
  <span> from that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It means we must be on to something!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How soon can we get off it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The warheads were now clearly visible on the missiles as they swung around on a direct homing course.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“As a matter of interest,” said Jaal, “what are we going to do?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just keep cool,” said Peebee.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is that all?” shouted Liam.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, we’re also going to...er...take evasive action!” said Peebee with sudden panic. “Computer, what evasive action can we take?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Er, none, I’m afraid, guys,” said the computer.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Or something,” said Peebee, “...er…” she said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There seems to be something jamming my guidance systems,” explained SAM brightly, “impact minus forty-five seconds. Please call me SAM if it will help you relax.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Peebee tried to run in several equally decisive directions simultaneously. “Right!” she said. “Er...we’ve got to get manual control of this ship.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can you fly her?” asked Sara pleasantly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, can you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jaal, can you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fine,” said Peebee, relaxing. “We’ll do it together.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t either,” said Liam, who felt it was time to assert himself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’d guessed that,” said Peebee. “Okay, computer, I want full manual control now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You got it,” said the computer.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Immediately, several control consoles sprang up, dumping plastic wrap and packing peanuts all over them. These controls had never been used before.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Peebee stared at them wildly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, Sara,” she said, “full retro thrust and ten degrees starboard. Or something...”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good luck, guys,” chirped SAM, “impact minus thirty seconds…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sara lunged for the controls, pushing the handful of buttons that were recognizable to her. It caused the ship to shake and hiss as it tried to go in multiple directions a once. Pushing only half the buttons instead, the ship arched around and headed back the way it came. With the missiles now huge on the front screen, and the inertial forces pinning them to the walls, Peebee struggled to free herself and finally got in a wild kick at a lever.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It snapped. The ship twisted and rocketed upward throwing everyone across the bridge. Sara’s copy of </span>
  <em>
    <span>The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Heleus</span>
  </em>
  <span> smashed into another section of the control console with the combined result that the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Guide</span>
  </em>
  <span> started to explain to anyone who cared to listen about the best ways of utilizing challyrion scale fibers for fabric (challyrion scale fibers chemically modified create a highly elastic material with a revolting texture and an awful color that can’t be dyed out, and very large sums of money are often paid for them by very rich idiots who want to impress other very rich idiots), and the ship suddenly dropped out of the sky like a stone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was at this moment that one of the crew sustained a nasty bruise to the upper arm. This is important because they escape, otherwise completely unharmed and the missiles do not blow up the ship. The safety of the crew is absolutely assured.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Impact minus twenty seconds, guys…” said SAM.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Then turn the bloody engines back on!” bawled Peebee.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, sure thing, guys,” said the computer. With a quiet hum the engines came to life, and the ship flattened it’s descent, heading back toward the missiles again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The computer started to sing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>‘When you walk through the storm…’</span>
  </em>
  <span>” it whined nasally, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>‘hold your head up high…’</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Peebee screamed at it to shut up, but her voice was lost in the din of what they quite naturally assumed was approaching destruction.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>‘And don’t...be afraid...of the dark!’</span>
  </em>
  <span>” SAM wailed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The Tempest had, unfortunately, flattened out upside down. At this point it was quite impossible for any of them to reach the controls.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>‘At the end of the storm…’</span>
  </em>
  <span>” crooned SAM.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>On the view screen, loomed the two missiles, their impact imminent.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>‘Is a golden sky…’</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Due to an extraordinary amount of luck the missiles hadn’t corrected their flight path, and the wildly weaving ship passed right over top of them without hitting.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>‘And the sweet silver song of the lark’</span>
  </em>
  <span> … Revised impact time fifteen seconds, fellas…</span>
  <em>
    <span>’Walk on through the wind…’</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The missiles arched back around, thundering back towards the ship.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This is it,” said Liam watching them. “We are now quite definitely going to die, aren’t we?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wish you’d stop saying that,” shouted Sara.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, we are, aren’t we?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>‘Walk on through the rain…’</span>
  </em>
  <span>” sang SAM.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A sudden idea struck Liam. He glanced up at the controls above them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why doesn’t anyone turn on this Improbability Drive thing?” he said. “We could probably reach that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you, crazy?” said Peebee. “Without proper programming anything could happen.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Does that matter at this stage?” shouted Liam.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>‘Though your dreams be tossed and blown…’</span>
  </em>
  <span>” sang SAM.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Liam scrambled over one of the fixtures on the ceiling, using the wall to push himself up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>‘Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart…’</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Does anyone know why Liam can’t turn on the Improbability Drive?” shouted Jaal.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>‘And you’ll never walk alone.’</span>
  </em>
  <span> … Impact minus five seconds, it’s been great knowing you guys … </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘You’ll ne...ver...walk...alone!’</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I said,” yelled Jaal, “does anyone know…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In the next second there was a mind-mangling cacophony of noise and light.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The second after that, the Tempest continued on its way perfectly normally with a rather fetchingly redesigned interior. It was somewhat larger, and done out in delicate pastel shades of green and blue. In the center a spiral staircase, leading nowhere in particular, stood in a spray of ferns and yellow flowers and next to it a stone sundial pedestal housed the main computer terminal. Cunningly deployed lighting and mirrors created the illusion of standing in a conservatory overlooking a wide stretch of exquisitely manicured garden. Around the periphery of the conservatory area stood marble-topped tables on intricately beautiful wrought-iron legs. As you gazed into the polished surface of the marble the vague forms of instruments became visible, and as you touched them the instruments materialized instantly under your hands. Looked at from the correct angles the mirrors appeared to reflect all the required data read-outs, though it was far from clear where they were reflected from. It was in fact sensationally beautiful.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Relaxing in a wickerwork sun chair, Pelessaria B’Sayle said, “What the hell happened?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I was just saying,” said Liam, lounging by a small duck pond, “there’s this Improbability Drive switch over here…” he waved at where it had been. There was a potted plant there now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But where are we?” said Sara, who was sitting on the spiral staircase, a nicely chilled Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster in her hand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Exactly where we were, I think…” said Jaal, as all about them the mirrors suddenly showed them an image of the blighted landscape of Meridian, which still zipped along beneath them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Peebee leaped out of her seat.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Then what’s happened to the missiles?” she said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A new and astounding image appeared in the mirrors.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They would appear,” said Sara doubtfully, “to have turned into a bowl of petunias and a very surprised-looking eiroch…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“At an Improbability factor,” cut in SAM, who hadn’t changed a bit, ”of eight million, seven hundred and sixty-seven thousand, on hundred and twenty-eight to one against.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Peebee stared at Liam.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Did you think of that, Earthman?” she demanded.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well,” said Liam, “all I did was…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s very good thinking, you know. Turn on the Improbability Drive for a second without first activating the proofing screens. Hey, man, you just saved our lives, you know that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh,” said Liam, “well, it was nothing really…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Was it?” said Peebee. “Oh well, forget it then. Okay, computer, take us in to land.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I said forget it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Another thing that had got forgotten was the fact that against all probability a giant eiroch had suddenly been called into existence several miles above the surface of an alien planet.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And since this is not a normal location for an eiroch, this poor creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity as an eiroch before it then had to come to terms with not being an eiroch anymore.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This is a complete record of its thoughts from the moment it began its life till the moment it ended.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Ah…! What is happening? </span>
  </em>
  <span>It thought.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Er, excuse me, who am I?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Hello?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Why am I here? What is my purpose in life?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>What do I mean by who am I?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Calm down, get a grip now...oh! This is an interesting sensation, what is it? It’s a sort of … yawning, tingling sensation in my … my … well, I suppose I’d better start finding names for things if I want to make any headway in what for the sake of what I shall call an argument I shall call the world, so let’s call it my stomach.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Good. Ooooh, it’s getting quite strong. And hey, what about this whistling roaring sound going past what I’m suddenly going to call my head? Perhaps I can call that … wind! Is that a good name? It’ll do … perhaps I can find a better name for it later when I’ve found out what it’s for. It must be something very important because there certainly seems to be a hell of a lot of it. Hey! What are these things? These … let’s call them arms--yeah, arms. Hey! I can really swing these about pretty good can’t I? Wow! Wow! That feels great! Doesn’t seem to achieve very much but I’ll probably find out what they’re for later on. Now, have I built up any coherent picture of things yet?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>No.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Never mind, hey, this is really exciting, so much to find out about, so much to look forward to, I’m quite dizzy with anticipation…</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Or is it the wind?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>There really is a lot of that now, isn’t there?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And wow! Hey! What’s this thing suddenly coming toward me very fast? Very, very fast. So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide-sounding name like … ow … ound … round … ground! That’s it! That’s a good name--ground!</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I wonder if it will be friends with me.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And the rest, after a sudden wet thud, was silence.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <span>Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh no, not again</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now.</span>
</p>
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